Confessions

I confess: I don't say "Thank You" enough to people who do good to me. I don't care genuinely about people most of the time they tell me their problems. I do not care for a lot of noble causes I should care for. I let people down most of the time. I rarely express my true feelings about someone to this one (good or bad feelings alike). I let people get on my nerves. I cry almost every night before I sleep even if for 10 seconds at least. I make wrong choices every week at least one. I envy most of the people for what they have. I always want what I don't and CAN'T have. I love the wrong girl every time, and I can't and don't want to stop doing this. I let people get me down, and sometimes push me down. I never fight back, because I am very lazy to do so. I always draw my own road, and sometimes I know it's the wrong one. I hold a lot of people responsible for what is happening to me. I have hatred for myself filling all my heart that it sometimes comes out hurting other people. I have many acquaintances, very few True Friends. I lie at myself and others all the time. I know that I lost control over myself long time ago. I use others portraits and templates so I look normal to people. I lost my true identity long time ago. I KNOW that whatever said, whoever said it, however s/he said it, NO ONE understands a simple portion of my personality and needs. and that's killing me. I really become pure happy when people get married and there is this ONE true second that I realize that these people sitting on the (kosha) together chose each other to continue living together forever. Tarek Mohamed El-Tabey. April 9th, 2010

ههههههههههههههههه

أجلس الآن بعدما أنهيت مناقشة هيكل تنظيمي..

ايه هو الهيكل التنظيمي ؟

ده بقى اللى بقول مين هيبقى فين وهيعمل ايه ومين اللى فوقيه ومين اللى تحتيه،

ومين اللى هيزن عليه ليل نهار عشان الشغل يخلص والزنّ ده هيتمّ ازاى بالظبط..

برتب حياة الناس وحياتى مش مترتبة...

حاسس انى بصحى كل يوم بالليل وبنام الصبح مع انى ببقى صاحى الظهر ونايم العشاء...

محدش فاهمني وانا فاهم نفسي بس مش عارف نفسي والكل عارفني.

عايز أنجح واركز فى المستقبل الاقى الماضي بيجرى ورايا وبيساعدني على الفشل

..بفكر أحب الاقى تجاربي الفاشلة بتقول لى..حب ايه اللى انت جاى تقول عليه

ههههههههههههه

انا ممكن فى يوم من الايام دماغى تتظبط ولا هتفضل كده عالطول 

كنت زمان بضحك على نفسي وبقول انا عندى صوت داخلى عالى حبتين 

انا دلوقتى بقولها وش انا مش عايش لوحدى زى ماالناس فاكرة

انا بوصل لمراحل انى لازم ازعق لنفسي عشان ابطل تفكير

بفكر الاتوبيس ليه ماشي ليه بيقف ازاى التباع هيلم الفلوس والمفروض يلمها ازاى

ساعات بحس انى سواق التاكسي وساعات سواق الميكروباص

ساعات بحس انى موجود وساعات تانية موجود بس مش عايش

بكتب ليه مش عارف...

احتمال عشان فاضى او مخنوق او بدون اى سبب على الاطلاق.

هو ممكن اصلا تبقى فى حاجة بدون سبب

ماظنش هل انت تظن

يعنى ايه تظن ليه متعرفش 

انت ليه دايما بتقول أظن ليه ماتقولش اه أو لا

ليه عايش فى المنطقة الرمادي دائما

ايه اللى جابك فى المنطقة الرمادي اصلا

جربت الاسود وجربت الابيض

وماجربتش الارزرق وانت فى البحر ولا ايه؟

البحر جامد فى الصيف والشتاء بس لو انت فى الشرم وكنت قاعد جنب البحر زى مانا كنت قاعد

كان البحر بيكلمك وانت بتكلمه

طارق انت عارف انك بتقول ان البحر بيكلمك هو البحر بيتكلم اصلا

ولا انت بتشتغل نفسك

وننتهى بقول الحكيم سيف الاسلام: الحياة اشتغالات

The best part of Falling 2

Now after taking THAT Pause we have to reconsider what we are in, Dirt from falling ( a whole bunch of negative emotions), Hurt (sometimes we may fall due to bad people who we thought they were good and we mistake them)...

but any way i just want to focus that the scene is a little bit nasty.. every one may even look at us as we are pathetic and losers, and we are starting to look ourselves into this way..that is Fe3lan A Fall..

But as long as you are imagining this with me, try to imagine the light from far away, the light of dawn that comes right after the darkest hour of the night.

Try to imagine Standing Up.. cleaning up the dirt.. healing the wounds.. and Start Over Again..

whether  you like it or not, life DOES NOT stop, no one will wait for you, yes may be some honest and devoted friends will just wait for you to call them (while they are advancing in their own life) and tell them to come and Help You Up..

you know what do I think?, You are Already strong enough to left your self up..

you already know what was before you (the events that brought you here), you already know where are you now, all you have to do is to come up with brilliant ideas of how you can move Forward, come up with a plan of you life ahead..

see if you got things wrong before because of something you should have done and you didn't, now see what is Missing? and Add it with you, you didn't know where to go before?, Ok i think this is a good chance for you to Decide where do you want to go..

A clear, new and perfect chance of starting over has been giving to you.. start benefitting of it.

That is the best part, Rising Up Again.. proving to all after yourself that you are not a failure, not a loser and most importantly......That YOU are NOT a Quitter, or else you would be lying on the ground waiting to Die..

Just prove that you are a human, that gets hurt, gets tired and gets fed up of everything..but.. no regrets for the past, no complaints about the present and NO MORE DELAYS for the bright future that awaits for you.

The best part of Falling 1

I knew recently that most people do not know how to fall right..

I mean Falling it self is a very beautiful experience where you can actually just sit down on the ground and just.......wonder, wonder "what happened?", wonder "how foolish was I" and wonder the most important insight ever "What Brought Me Here??" ..

Yes, you are here for a continuous chain of events, absolutely perfectly organized (some times in chaotic order but still in one pattern) just events were done to get you Just Right Where you are NOW..

Once you get this in mind, a privilege is given to you, a privilege of a Pause.. you are now entitled for a little pause in your life to consider all the data has been given to you and reprocess them very carefully, after all these events got you here, you have to give them some credits..

Now here comes the dilemma, some people just think that since they Fell they have the privilege of staying down and weeping all day long about how their clothes has gotten dirty and how they are hurt of falling and now we can just stay down and Cry..

Absolutely foolishness to think of that.. the dilemma is that some people here (after taking the right amount of Pause thinking of that chain of events) some people just are in a cross road, they can think that they can just sit down and cry to death.......

OR they can SEE and Feel  the "the best part of falling"..

now here comes the very logical question..tarek we all been there before and fell down before now we know what are you talking about except"what the hell is that best part of falling?"

falling is even bad event so there are no Good things in falling, how possibly that a fall can have Best part?"

and the answer of this questions regretfully cannot be understood with a thinking like that so first i have to answer a better question.. "what is a Pause and how we could benefit from it?"

Remember the privilege ? remember why we have to reprocess the events that lead you to this fall, because actually that events was chosen and done by YOU.. you could have chosen a different path where possibly (Allah only knows) had no falls in it, but yet you have chosen this exact path which eventually lead you to a FALL..

So are you mistaken? are you wrong? Actually quite the opposite..

YOU couldn't have possibly chosen a better path, why do I always say "live life with no regrets"because logically at the time of you making the decision in every single event that happened in the past, you simply have chosen the Perfect Decision in you point of view back then, For Ex. if you are passing the street, do you imagine that you will wait till you find a good spot to pass or  you will pas while cars are going fast so you can get hit, no you waited and crossed safely, same (but of course little more complicated)goes for your rest of decisions.. You with your knowledge back then, with experience and though did what you best could do, but after all you are more aware now, and you have to take the responsibility for all of you actions and decisions in these past events that lead you here..

you have to sit down and think of that and what else you could choose or may be you just neglected you feeling little bit and you knew that there is better decision but you choose something else.. All is matter is that you have the privilege now not to sit down and cry, no but to think of what brought you here, what path you have taken and to NOT punish yourself for falling.."ما أخطأك لم يكن ليصيبك و ما اصابك لم يكن ليخطئك".. that's the rule..

saying that, I also have to say that both the Pause and the Privilege has limited time..

so you really need to be quick and focus on seeing "the best part of falling"..

Another sense of happiness

It feels kinda good when you are not skipping your job to stay at home.. No, actually you have days off and you enjoy them staying at home playing your favorite games, eating your favorite foods.

No studying or exams nearby to disturb each and every minute of your life, No BiG responsibilities yet except for yourself not any one else...

 Recently after the Post "Playing Solo" I decided something, I kinda know that I may contradict with my self and do otherwise later, but i decided to limit my life circles alittle, or to limit my focus groups... 

1-Career: that's what I do now, what I will do and what will help me in both (courses, skills....etc).

2-Tarek as a life: trying new stuff (for example every one said that costa better than cilantro, now i can really enjoy talking about both cuz I ACTUALLY went to both) before i was just listening and telling my self u can contribute in this conversation...By the way costa cappucino isn't that good...

YES I will go out, I will spend all of my salary, I will try to be diffrent in some aspects...

ALL of that, this decision this new .....LIFE.....makes me feel happy, makes me feel delighted..

This makes me feel Free....we 3ala ra2y 3ammena William Wallas.. FREEEEEEEEEEEEDOOOOOM... :D

let's go OUT

فى محاولتى الدائمة لمعرفة ما اريده بالتحديد.. شعرت برغبة قوية فى الخروج..الخروج من اين من المدينة المليئة بالأفكار المتناقضة والاراء المتعارضة. المليئة بالقرارات المتسرعة والاختيارات المتعددة ..أريد أن أخرج من راسي ومن تفكيري ...
لقد نجحت فى السنين الماضية فى تكوين طارق التابعي خارجيا اما بالنسبة للداخل فهو كالكائن المشوه الذى لم تظهر ملامحه بعد اما بسبب تشويه حدث له من قبل او ببساطه بسبب انه ليس جاهز لان يكون كاملا بعد...
لقد نجحت فى تكوين اكثر من دور العبه..فانا العب دور الضعيف المحتاج لشخص يحكي له عن الامه واماله...همومه وافراحه...وفى نفس الوقت دور القوي الوحيد المعتمد على نفسه الغير راغب فى مساعدة الاخرين له والذي يبعدهم عنه بملء ارادته...
اريد الخروج والتفكير من بعد آخر ...بُعدٌ لا ارى فيه نتائج تفكيرى بُعٌد اتصرف فيه بعفوية بريئة...
اريد الا اكون هنا....أريد ان اشعر بفرحي وحزنى .. اريد ان اتنفس واحس بالحياة...
اريد الااقلق بعد الان..........
اشعر دائما عندما ادرك مااريد انى اطلب ابسط الاشياء فلم اطلب ابدا شيئا مستحيلا او صعبا اوكثيرا دائما ارضى بالقليل....فهل ماأطلبه كثير هذه المرة اعتقد انه بسيط نسبيا ولكن فى حين الوقت صعب التحقيق.......
اريد ان اكون انا...اريد ان اكون انا ولو للحظات فأتذوق معنى الهويّة واتذوق معنى الحياة واتذوق معنى من انا....

Playing Solo!!!!

Hey, my name is Tarek Mohamed E-Tabey, was born in imbaba, raised in Sharm el-Shiekh..

I used to be the first on class (alone) till someone said once that you only get high grades cuz ur mother working in the same school... Now That pissed me off, I focused my mind else where other than getting high grades and i wanted to achieve some reputation as a COOL guy in prep school...task done (alone)... high school came wanted to experience love and other stuff, been there tried that.. the thing is I DID ALL THAT ALONE,

4our damn years in university alone, sick, hungry thirst whatever alone no one to care no one to ask. and I hell yeah graduated good grads all alone....no body alive helped me, all this time Allah was watching over me, then the lost souls of my ever-changing personality and then ME, alone...

U see?I Actually get things done when i'm all alone,,,then let it fu**en be,,from here F**en on, i will work solo, achieving dreams for me, reaching greatness for me.

 sharing life? sorry not available at the moment, Tarek El-Tabey shall rise again above the insufferable pains of love and hate and these weak bonds that ties every one togeather...